Distinguishing Life-Serving Boundaries from Requests

At first glance, you might imagine it's easy to discern the difference between setting a boundary and making a request. You might say that, put simply, setting boundaries is about telling someone what you are going to do and making requests is about asking someone to do something with or for you. While this is true, there is more to it. And the clearer you are about the difference, the more likely you are to engage in effective dialogues with others. 

In the framework of Mindful Compassionate Dialogue, we prioritize staying connected to how we are serving life or meeting needs in any circumstance. Thus, when we talk about the relationship competency of boundaries we are talking about life-serving boundaries. Setting boundaries is a process of discerning and becoming clear about where you would like to direct your energy and attention in order to meet or protect needs for yourself and others. 

Making requests is about proposing and negotiating strategies or actions to meet or protect needs for yourself and others. When making a request you feel an open curiosity about strategies to collaborate with others to meet needs. You might have an idea or preference about what you think would work best to meet needs, but you are holding it lightly.

When life-serving boundaries and requests come together in the same dialogue, you create an effective container for connection and collaboration. Explicitly expressing boundaries, gives you the scope for brainstorming requests and negotiating them. For an effective dialogue, it’s helpful to have clarity beforehand about what needs you will attend to, what are relevant life-serving boundaries, and what are the relevant requests.

For example, imagine you initiate a dialogue with your partner or a close friend about summer plans. Without being clear about the distinctions between life-serving boundaries and requests, you might say something like this: 

 “I want to go camping this summer, but not kayaking. Do you want to go?” 

This is fine and would initiate a dialogue. Notice, however, how different it is to hear something like this:  

“Summer is coming and I am thinking about ways I would like to meet needs for fun, relaxation, and discovery. I don't want to do anything too challenging, like kayaking or steep climbs. I want to focus mostly on fun and relaxation. Does this kind of trip interest you? Would you like to plan three or four day of vacation time together? ”

Even with such an innocuous topic, sharing the needs connected to your requests and life-serving boundaries contributes greatly to clarity and connection for your listener. You've provided your listener with the scope of the dialogue. In our example, if your friend or partner wants a vacation that includes a lot of challenges they would immediately know that’s not what you are looking for and would be unlikely to propose climbing Denali or perhaps just opt out. 

Becoming aware of both your life-serving boundaries and requests for a given dialogue can be challenging. To increase awareness, take time to look through the needs list before entering any meeting or dialogue. Imagine various responses from the others involved to help you identify your boundaries. 

Practice

Take time now to reflect on a recent meeting that didn't go as well as you would have liked. Can you identify where boundaries and requests got confused? What needs were alive for you? What needs do you guess were alive for others?