How to ask for presence
You begin sharing something you're struggling with and find the other person isn’t quite with you. You feel lonely and sad, because you long for a deeper sense of being seen and accompanied in your life. You have tried asking your listener to "be more present," but this doesn’t seem to help.
The need for presence might be an especially difficult one for which to find specific, doable and concrete requests. In addition, presence is a capacity; someone who is able to be present with you in a stable and clear way is usually someone who has worked hard at cultivating this ability. Let’s take a look at what you can ask of yourself and the other person to support meeting a need for presence.
You can begin to meet a need for presence by identifying the needs you want to meet by sharing, before you share. Then you can examine if the current circumstance really supports what you want, and if the other person seems willing and capable of offering that. If you decide to share, here are some specific things you can do to support presence:
State your intention: For example, "I have had a difficult day and I would love some empathy."
Double check with your listener: "I am hearing you say you want to listen. I am feeling tender about this topic and want reassurance before I share. Could you take a moment to check in with yourself to see if this is really a good time for you?"
Get specific: "I'd love about 15 minutes to talk about a work issue and receive some empathy and perspective. Is there a time today you could offer that?"
Create supportive conditions: "I am hearing you say you really want to be present for me. Could you tell me what we could do to help insure that?" (For example, holding hands, turning off the TV, taking a walk, waiting until the end of the work week, turning off the computer and phone, taking a hot bath first, sharing appreciation first, etc.)
Here are more specific requests you could make of the other person once you have created supportive conditions:
Would you be willing to maintain eye contact while I share?
Would you be willing to turn your phone off for ten minutes while we talk?
Would you be willing to say back what you are understanding about what I am sharing?
Would you be willing to give me your full attention?
Would you be willing to ask me a few questions about what I have shared?
Would you be willing to get curious about my experience by asking questions that help you understand me?
Would you be willing to stay with my experience for a few minutes before referring to your related experience or changing the topic?
If you get distracted, would you be willing to come back and repeat the last sentence of what I said?
Would you be willing to guess my feelings and needs and refrain from giving advice?
Any request is naturally preceded by the need you hope it will meet. You might name the need for presence or you could name other related needs such as to be seen and heard, to matter, caring, emotional security, or connection.
Practice
Take a moment now to consider what relationship you would like to ask for and cultivate more presence. Which of the requests above could offer you inspiration for making a request?