Taking Care of Yourself When Visiting Family
As you anticipate time with family over the upcoming holidays, you might feel excited. You might also anticipate that it will be a testing ground. Your lifestyle might be very different from that of your parents and siblings. Differences can be a trigger for judgment, conflict, and discomfort, or they might be an opportunity for practice, learning, and growth.
Before a gathering with family take time to reflect on your practices of honest expression, empathy, boundary setting and self-empathy. With family, you might have the opportunity to see where you get caught by old relationship dynamics and where you have let go or healed and don't react anymore. Getting caught in historic reactive relationship dynamics is like pressing play on a recording. You might notice familiar thoughts like:
I can't believe he is eating that. What about his heart condition?!
If she wouldn't spend her money on more stuff, she wouldn't be in so much debt.
Mom, you have got to exercise. You'll feel better if you do.
How can they watch so much TV?!
How can they live like this?!
That perspective (on politics, religion, etc.) is ignorant, I have to educate them.
When you find yourself feeling tense and having thoughts (or speech) like this, it's a good sign you have been too long outside of your comfort zone. Take a time out in your comfort zone— maybe go for a walk, take a favorite book to a coffee shop, lay down for a nap, etc.
Once rejuvenated you can give yourself some empathy for the feelings and needs behind these thoughts. Allow yourself to feel grief when you see that your family's strategies for health and happiness and even connecting with you are not so effective. Return to your authenticity by remembering your core values, intention, and how you are committed to showing up in the world. Loving your family doesn't mean playing a role to maintain a false sense of harmony. Continue to ask yourself how you can bring honesty and set life-serving boundaries while remaining compassionate.
Remind yourself that your family is doing the best they can. Rather than giving advice, offer empathy. Rather than complaining or judging, express your feelings, needs, and requests. When you get caught by reactivity again go back to your comfort zone.
Practice
Before entering a family gathering, set your intention to notice reactivity and make a plan for self-care when it comes up. It might also be helpful to imagine repetitive interactions and plan how you will respond; for example with a boundary, honest expression, empathy, or by taking a time-out for self-care.
