How to Distinguish Appreciation and Praise and Find Connection
Appreciation is about noticing what’s working well and saying that aloud more often than expressing what’s not working.
Appreciation is a form of positive feedback that uses clear and specific terms to express what works. It’s not about building someone’s self-esteem or giving praise. Appreciation practice lays the foundation for collaborative and vibrant relationships. It supports the ability to meet challenges with skill and grace, and contributes to resilience by creating a sense of confidence that each person’s good intentions and effective contributions are known.
Appreciation as a form of honest expression likely is changing the definition as you know it. When most people hear the word “appreciation,” they think of praise. Examples of praise include telling someone how great they are, complimenting them, and assigning positive labels like “sweet person,” “good parent,” or “hard worker.” Praise and positive judgments (or labels) are usually meant to be forms of celebration, but they are problematic for two reasons. First, judgments are static and simplistic and can’t represent all that you are—an ever-changing flow of dynamic aliveness. Second, you may have experienced praise as a form of manipulation, an attempt to shape your behavior, or as a means to dole out rewards and punishments. Both of these are tragic strategies that interfere with your ability to hear the other person.
In Mindful Compassionate Dialogue, the word “celebration” is used synonymously with “appreciation.” In this context, when you share a celebration you express gratitude regarding something a particular person has done to contribute to particular needs for you or others. Listening to someone offer appreciation is really about hearing their experience of something you did, not their opinion of you. In a fundamental sense, when someone appreciates you, it’s not about you. It helps you get to know the person offering appreciation and how to contribute to them. Let’s look at an example of praise and how it can trigger disconnect.
I was recently watching a mother and her adult son interact. It was clear the mother cared for her son and wanted desperately to connect and contribute to his well-being. The mother's strategy was to praise her son profusely about mundane things, especially regarding what she thought he should be doing. I heard her say things like, "That's the most exercise you've had in awhile. That's great." General words of praise like great, neat, and super were common and frequently came with more emotion than seemed to match her son or the situation. Again and again I watched as the son tightened and froze in the face of his mom's praise.
For him, it was a bind. On the one hand, he seemed to be getting positive attention. On the other hand, it didn't meet his needs for being seen with reference to what he valued. He couldn't find a way to say he didn't like what his mom said, because his mom was so "positive." The implicit message the son received was that he should behave in a certain way to make his mom happy and there really isn't room for what he cares about or what is authentic for him.
In moments like these, you want to be able to find freedom from this type of bind. This means learning to interrupt praise in a way that creates connection. Here are some things you might say to interrupt praise to create connection:
Something about that really worked for you, huh?
Hmm, hearing you say that, I notice myself tightening up. Could you help me understand where you are coming from?
I hear you say it was great. What about it worked for you?
When I hear you say that, I think it means you want me to be or behave in a certain way. Then I just shut down or want to do the opposite. I would love clarity about what you are trying to express. Would you be willing to talk about how you're affected (your feelings and needs) rather than me and my actions?
Sounds like there is something you really liked about what I said. Is that right?
What was important for you about what I did?
When you tell me I'm a great parent, I'm guessing there's something specific you noticed that you appreciate or value. What did you see?
What need did I meet for you when I did that?
Gives you a sense of (fill in your guess at the universal need met)_____?
Sounds like you're very happy about that?
Feeling (fill in your guess about the feeling up for that person)_____?
Making distinctions between praise and appreciation can seem a bit tedious if you are trying to figure out how to do things "right." But when you approach it with the intention to remain connected to yourself and the other person, it can become a joyful process of discovery.
Practice
This week notice when you are giving or receiving praise. Pause and check in with yourself or the other person about the observation, feeling, need, or request.
