How to Understand Control

Imagine someone asks you if you have a need for control. Does your heart soften?

I am guessing the answer is no. That's a good sign that control is not a universal need. When you guess another's need your heart softens because you have the same needs. When you attempt to understand someone and then feel resentment or resistance, you are likely making a judgment about how someone is behaving rather than about what they are needing.

Control is often thought of as a need because it is a common strategy for meeting needs. It is a useful strategy when applied to things like controlling a heat source to meet your need for warmth, controlling what you eat to meet your need for health, etc. Control starts to cost more needs than it meets when it is applied to other people's behavior. Attempts to control other’s behavior almost always have a cost.

When you witness someone behaving in a way that you might label convincing, cajoling, guilt-tripping, threatening, analyzing, or criticizing, you are tempted to guess they have a "need" for control. You can separate this out in a more clear way by naming that what this person is doing isn't meeting your needs for honor and collaboration. For example, if you were to offer empathy for someone you imagine is trying to control others, then some empathy guesses might sound like this:

Feeling nervous because of a need for competence

Feeling defensive because of a need for self-acceptance

Feeling anxious because of a need for support

Feeling shy because of a need for belonging

Feeling worried because of a need for predictability

Feeling apprehensive because of a need for safety

Whether you make these guesses out loud to the other person or in your heart depends on the sense of rapport and trust you have established with that particular person. Sometimes the simplest way to start with offering empathy is just to begin silently in your own heart. 

Practice

Take a moment now to bring into your awareness a time when you bristled and had the thought that someone was trying to control you. Name the feelings and needs that weren't being met for you. If you have the space, make some empathy guesses.