Balancing Mutuality in Relationships
You know mutuality is an important part of caring for any relationship. When a relationship has mutuality, you notice an even exchange over time with regard to several categories of experience such as support, shared vulnerability, initiating contact, gifts, enriching challenges, collaboration, affection, empathy, celebration, etc. When mutuality is a trusted part of your relationship, you recognize that there may be periods of time when one person is receiving more. For example, this might happen after a major life event like a divorce, illness, or having a child.
On the other hand, when mutuality isn’t trusted, you might find yourself trying to maintain it by keeping track of how many things you did for the other person and how many things they did for you, or with “conditional” bargaining.
To restore mutuality and act from connection with what’s alive in you, here are some ways to focus a sense of confidence about caring for your needs and contributing to others from the autonomous generosity of your heart:
Translate judgments and “should’s” into feelings, needs, and requests: Criticism of yourself or the other person often results in tragic strategies to meet needs. Judgments and “should’s” point to important feelings and needs that are asking for your conscious attention and skillful action. Thoughts arising from reactivity associated with mutuality might sound something like this:
My partner should make more time for the family.
Why does he get to do what he wants, but I don’t.
My friend is so self-absorbed.
I am always the one who offers support.
My needs don’t matter in this relationship.
If you cared about me, you would offer more support.
You should ask me more about my life.
Accommodation and sacrifice: In this connection gem, I discussed habits of accommodating others at the expense of your own needs. Watch for decision points in a given interaction in which you choose not to say what you want or offer honest expression. Set your intention to pause and check in with your own needs more often and ask to be heard.
Celebration: Take time each day to give your attention to needs met for you in a given relationship. This isn’t about glossing over what’s not working. Trusting yourself to care for unmet needs while still recognizing all that is working in your life is an essential skill for a thriving life.
Reflect on mutuality relative to different areas of life: As named above, you can attend to mutuality in distinct areas of life like support, shared vulnerability, initiating contact, gifts, enriching challenges, collaboration, affection, empathy, celebration, etc. If you feel tension around mutuality, it may be that just one of these areas is out of balance. In that case, an action to regain mutuality might be simple. For example, if you notice that you have been sharing more vulnerability than the other person, you might choose to share with someone else the next couple of times something vulnerable arises for you in your life. Understanding and setting life-serving boundaries is also an essential part of maintaining mutuality.
Remember that you have choice about your own giving and receiving in relationships. There is no “right” amount of exchange. Only you know what is authentic and integrous for your own thriving. It’s also helpful to remind yourself to honor the other person’s choice. Imagining someone owes you something is an alarm thought meant to cue you that reactivity is present with regard to giving and receiving.
Practice
Take a few moments now to reflect on a relationship you have in which you notice reactivity regarding mutuality. Mindfully examine each area of life which you share with this person. Notice whether each area stimulates a sense of relaxation or tension. Identify needs met or unmet in each area and potential requests.
