Understanding the Obstacle of Limiting Beliefs With Regard to Making Requests

Over many years of offering this work, one of the most common comments I hear from students is how difficult it is to make requests. If you struggle with making requests, perhaps it helps to know that you are not alone. Even when you understand the mechanics of making requests  and you have worked hard to cultivate the relevant skills, you might struggle to remember it’s an option or to find the courage to express your requests. 

One common obstacle in making requests is the activation of a limiting belief. Limiting beliefs are beliefs that you typically adopt in the early years of your life as an attempt to protect yourself and make sense of overwhelming experiences.

Here are a few of the most common limiting beliefs that could be activated when you attempt to make a request:

"I am a burden for others."

"I have to do it exactly right to get my needs met."

"It's not okay for me to want what I want."

"I shouldn’t ever want more."

"I am alone.”

“I can’t really trust that others want to support me."

"My needs are invalid."

"I should be able to do everything on my own."

"It's too much to ask."

"It’s selfish to ask for what I want."

“If I have to ask, the giving won’t be real or authentic.”

“No one can get it right but me.”

As you read through these beliefs, notice what sounds familiar. Choose one that is familiar and let your attention settle there with mindfulness, while noticing what else comes up. Specifically note the following aspects of experience: body sensations, impulses, feelings, needs, memories, energy, and images. Remain centered in the perspective of a compassionate observer. 

For example, if you hear yourself say, "It's not okay for me to want what I want," you might notice tension and collapsing in your chest, hopelessness, a longing for support, a memory of being scolded for asking for something and an image of standing alone. When you see this painful network of experience clearly from a state of mindful compassion, it will loosen its hold on you. 

Cultivating the opposite will also help dissolve this network. Spend a few moments each day looking at the needs list and affirming that having and acknowledging needs is part of being fully human.

Practice

Challenge yourself to make three requests this week in a part of life in which you need support. And of course, remember the basics about effective requests:

• Clearly connect them to needs.

• Make sure they are doable: a request answers some or all of these questions: What? Who? Where? When? How long? How often?

• Ask for what you want rather than what you don't want. For example: "I'm needing consideration and predictability. Would you be willing to call if you are going to be more than five minutes late for future meetings?" Rather than: "Please don't be late to our meetings."

• Let the other person know that you would like them to say yes to your request only if it is in harmony with their own needs and that you have other ways to meet your needs if they don’t want to collaborate.