3 Keys to Emotional Intelligence

When you set your intention to stay calm in a challenging situation and reactivity takes over anyway or when you weren't able to be there for someone you care about in a time of emotional need, you realize you need more access and skill with emotions. Emotional intelligence requires a commitment to experiential learning and personal transformation. With consistent effort and practice, the rewards are many. You learn to feel the depth and breadth of great joy and great grief without being tossed about in an emotional sea. While being attuned to emotion is infinitely complex, we can begin with three foundational skills:  

1. Somatic awareness of emotion

2. Emotional Regulation

3. Recognition of emotion as an indicator of universal needs

1. Somatic awareness of emotion

Emotions could be defined as complex sets of physiological and physical experience. Thus, an essential aspect of cultivating emotional intelligence is to become more aware of your body. Emotions typically trigger thoughts, which may lead to escalated reactivity. When you notice an emotion and then direct your attention to where you experience it in your body, you are invoking mindfulness and will immediately become more grounded. For practice, choose a particular emotion, situation, or relationship and set your intention to notice body sensations each time an emotion arises. For a month, keep a simple journal of the feeling, body sensation, and location in your body - something like this:

• Irritation - tension in my jaw

• Grief - tightness in my lungs

• Hurt - pain in the upper portion my chest

• Joy - expansion in my face

• Love - a settling and warmth in the center of my chest

2. Emotional regulation

Both the absence of emotion, as happens with a state of chronic shut down, and the presence of overwhelming emotion, are issues of emotional regulation. 

The secure presence of someone who can listen with compassion, empathy, and acceptance is central to emotional regulation. There is also a lot you can do on your own to support emotional regulation. Here are possibilities:

• Spend a significant part of each day or week in an emotionally healthy community that treats you with kindness and respect.

• Know what's grounding for you and do it on a regular schedule whether you think you need it or not. Grounding activities might include; gardening, exercise, time with pets, crafts, sculpting, painting, journaling, time in nature, massage, qigong, deep breathing, prayer, meditation, etc.

• Learn and practice self-empathy until it is an automatic part of your internal dialogue.

• Find a schedule that fits your bio-rhythm and follow it in a regular way, that is, regular sleep, meal times, exercise, you know - the basics.

• Name emotions as they come up and notice where you feel them in your body.  Resisting emotion will create dysregulation.  Encourage yourself to accept emotions by memorizing phrases such as, "It's okay that I feel_____.  I can be with it. I’m okay."  

3. Recognition of emotion as an indicator of universal needs

The primary purpose of emotions is to let you know about your needs. Feeling calm and content after working in the garden lets you know you met needs; possibly for grounding, exercise, contribution, and fun. Identifying which needs are connected to an emotion can lead you to take skillful action in caring for yourself and others. Of course, being able to identify your needs is a whole skill in itself. Memorize the needs list so that you can begin to make this essential connection between feelings and needs.

When you choose to commit to the journey of cultivating emotional intelligence, you are also creating access to abiding peace and well-being and this is a precious gift to yourself and all those you encounter.

Practice

If you are already committed to the practices named above, take a moment now to celebrate the rewards you have experienced. 

If you are new to this practice, celebrate the courage you have that allows you to begin a new adventure and choose one specific practice to focus on for today.