Working with Subtle Boundary Violations

You could probably list some obvious boundary violations, such as nonconsensual touch, name-calling, unsolicited advice, taking what’s not given, and sharing confidential information without permission. However, other more subtle boundary violations can be more difficult to spot at the moment. You might tense up, freeze, or go fuzzy, but you can’t quite name what’s happening. Becoming more aware of these small moments and finding the words to set a boundary are critical to supporting healthy relating long-term.

Let’s look at three categories of subtle boundary violations:

1. Lack of mutuality

2. Voice tone and volume

3. Speaking for or about someone

1. Lack of mutuality

Whether in a professional, familial, or peer relationship, mutuality is a life-serving part of relating. For example, in a professional relationship responsibilities are ideally clear and prescribed. There is mutuality when each person keeps their commitment to these responsibilities: For example, hopefully your medical doctor shows up for your appointment prepared and on time and you come with clarity about what you need and how to pay for your visit.

You can reflect on mutuality in a variety of situations. Collaboration is a common one. When you and a peer are working together to make something happen, a lack of mutuality could mean that one person asks the other person to do something differently or to do it better while not examining their own behavior or offering to make a shift. In this example, one person is asked to do more self-reflection and adjusting than the other. When a boundary isn’t set within this dynamic, it can escalate into a “power-over / power-under” cycle. 

Here are some examples of boundary-setting requests that could apply using this example:

• “I’d prefer for each of us to identify our own behavior with regard to what’s working and what could change. Would you be willing to go first?”

• “It will give me a sense that we are on the same team if you could offer to do something different as often as you ask me to do something different. Would you be willing to try this?”

• “I am happy to reflect on what I could do differently; would you be willing to start first with what you want to try?”

• “If something is not working at the moment, could you first offer to do something different or ask me what you could do differently before making a request?”

• “Telling me what I am doing wrong isn’t helping. Would you be willing to say what you want instead of what you don’t want?”

• “Would you be willing to name what’s going well as often as you name what’s not working?”

• “This seems one-sided to me. I value mutuality. Would you be willing to identify one thing you could do differently?”

• “Would you be willing to ask for what you want rather than sharing what you don’t want?”

An important key to setting life-serving boundaries is to jump in at the smallest bit of discomfort or irritation. The tendency to tolerate small boundary violations or just let things go for the sake of ease or harmony in the moment typically makes it more difficult to set boundaries later. Little boundary violations add up. And you become ever more reactive and less grounded, which makes it difficult to access the awareness and skill you need to establish life-serving boundaries.

2. Voice tone and volume

If you read a transcript of a conversation in which tone and volume of voice weren’t meeting your needs, the words themselves might read pleasantly enough. Your nervous system, however, responds more strongly to tone and volume than it does to the actual words. When someone is stressed, scared, or caught in judgment, the muscles in their throat constrict and voice volume often increases. While you may have compassion for their experience in the moment, enabling them to engage with you in a reactive way is not a gift of compassion. Instead, you send a message that either you are unaffected or they don’t need to bring kindness and consideration to their interactions with you.

Here are some possible boundary-setting strategies for this situation:

1. “I want to hear you, but it’s difficult with the tone of voice I hear right now. I’m going to take a bathroom break and come back.”

2. “The tone and volume of your voice is painful for me to hear. I want to connect and hear you. Would you be willing to soften your tone and lower the volume of your voice?”

3. “Ouch, that tone of voice isn’t helping. I’m going for a walk. Let’s try again when I get back.”

4. “When I can hear your voice from upstairs, my nervous system lights up and I feel stressed. It’s so essential for my daily functioning that our home is a sanctuary. Would you be willing to find a way to keep your voice volume lower when you’re angry or frustrated?”

5. “I hear you say this is upsetting, and I want to understand what you need. Your tone of voice is painful and distracting for me. Could you pause for three breaths and start again with a different tone of voice?

6. “I won’t engage in conversation with yelling.” (Walk away.)

7. Talk about tone of voice when it is not happening. Reveal your feelings and needs and set up a simple signal to give when you perceive a tone that distracts you from the connection. This is a helpful strategy when speaking from irritation is habitual for the other person.

8. “I want to have respectful conversations, and this isn’t working. Let’s try again tomorrow after dinner.” (Walk away.)

Again, the longer you wait to set a boundary, the more difficult it becomes.Without clear boundaries a person caught in reactivity will often continue to escalate. Of course, you are not in control of another’s reactivity. There is not some right thing you can do to manipulate their behavior or control their reactivity and that is not the goal of this work. When you set a life-serving boundary, you will have the opportunity to observe the other person’s response and whether or not they are willing and able to respect your boundaries. You might be pleasantly surprised to see someone rise to the occasion and engage in ways that are life-serving for you both. You might also grieve when you realize someone will not respect your boundaries and thus choose to end that relationship. 

3. Speaking for or about someone

Speaking for or about someone who is present can be done with the intention to contribute, but more often than not it involves sharing their personal details without permission, misrepresenting them, and excluding them from the interaction.

Sharing even the simplest experiences of someone else without asking is a boundary violation. For example, if you are entering a new group of people with a friend, you might offer a short introduction. But sharing more about them without previous agreement from them deprives that person of the opportunity to build rapport and communicate what is most relevant and authentic for them.

Here are some possible boundary-setting strategies for this situation:

1. “Oh, thank you for the introduction, I will jump in here.”

2. With humor, “She’s talking about me, but I am right here.” (Smile and make eye contact.) “Let me finish, I think I know where you were going to say.”

3. “Wait, that’s about me. I will share stuff about me. Is there something you want to say about your experience of that event?”

4. “You’re speaking for me. I would like to speak for myself.”

5. “Could you ask me before you share a story that describes my experience and behavior?”

6. “I want to be included. Would you let me answer that?”

7. With excitement, “Oh that’s a good story of mine, I would like to tell it.”

8. You could also address this boundary violation when it is not happening. Let the other person know the needs unmet for you when they speak for you. If they say yes to changing their behavior, be aware that willingness does not equal ability. Speaking for others may be a habit for this person. Thus it’s helpful to agree upon a signal or reminder that would be easy for the other person to receive the next time they start to speak for you. 

Speaking for someone is often a sign of an enmeshed relationship dynamic. That is, there is a lack of clarity about how to relate with healthy differentiation. Working with a professional or seeking advice from others who seem to access healthy differentiation can help with these kinds of behaviors.

Practice

Take a few minutes now to brainstorm other areas of subtle boundary violations. Identify how you have handled these situations with life-serving boundaries or how you might like to in the future.