Breaking free of "If Only You Were Different, They Would Change"

Have you ever heard yourself saying something like, If only I were different, my partner would change?  

I have been witness to the tragic fallout of this kind of thinking for many of the couples with whom I work. Holding the idea that you can change someone by behaving in some special way eventually leads to exhaustion and resentment on both sides.

While there are myriad causes and conditions that give rise to the idea that you can change your partner, I’ll describe two examples that stand out.

The first is a situation in which your partner seems to make a mysterious change for the worse. Perhaps there is a sudden weight gain or loss. Perhaps the symptoms of depression start to appear. Maybe they start to get "short-tempered." When you inquire about this change your partner may have no insight about it. The fuzziness of the situation, along with your desire to get your partner back, might have you thinking that it’s up to you to figure it all out.  

Second, if your partner doesn't usually take responsibility for their own feelings and needs, you might find yourself filling in the gap. You take responsibility for their needs and they might collude with this by expressing subtle forms of blame by saying things like, "You disappointed me,” “You let me down,” “You make me mad,”or “You hurt my feelings.” They might also express themselves in ways that imply that you are responsible for their emotional state, like in the following example.

Your partner says, “Do you really need to go to that party? I feel lonely, won't you stay with me?”

You say, “Oh, I don't want you to feel bad; I will stay.”

In essence, your partner doesn't have the skills and consciousness to take responsibility and express feelings and needs directly. Absent this, they attribute responsibility to you.  

It's tricky because we do, of course, affect one another. It's hard sometimes to know where to take responsibility and where to leave it with the other person. One way to pull this apart is to get more clear about the distinctions among feelings, needs, and the strategies used to meet needs. In the framework of Mindful Compassionate Dialogue, we say feelings don't arise dependent on another's behavior. This is a radical notion of self-responsibility that takes careful attention to integrate into your life. Feelings arise based on the perception you have of the other person's behavior and whether you interpret that behavior as nourishing or threatening to your needs. Your partner could say the same thing on two different occasions and you would hear it differently each time based on what's alive in you and how you perceive it. The empowering part of this is that other people can't make you feel something. If that doesn't rock your world you likely already have done an incredible amount of personal work or you may want to take more time to integrate this notion.  

The behavior of others affects you in that you perceive that it either meets your needs and aligns with your values or doesn’t.

If you are able to separate feelings from needs and remember that you don't cause other's feelings, you can be present for your partner's disappointment without feeling compelled to "make them happy." You can then attend to the needs at hand and to your own choice about what and how you want to contribute to your partner. There is no rulebook that codifies which requests you must say yes to in order to be a "good partner." Responsibility for your partner's needs rests only with them. The attempt to meet each other's needs is done through daily negotiations that fully honor each person's autonomy.

Part of respecting your partner's autonomy means respecting that they are in charge of their unique process of change. You may have the honor of being invited in for support, but you are never in charge or responsible for it. There is no perfect thing you can do that will magically change your partner in the way you would like.

What you can do is to decide, with honor for your life and theirs, where, what, and how you will invest your precious life energy.

Practice

Take a moment now and reflect on any relationships in which you might have believed, "If only I were different, they would change." Engage in self-empathy around this situation by naming the feelings and needs that come up for you when you see the other's difficulty or challenging behavior. How can you take care of your needs in a way other than trying to get the other person to change? How can you express compassion for that person without attempting to change them?