How to Shift from Demands to Requests

You might start to panic when, even after you have worked so hard to be clear and conscientious in your communication, your partner still doesn't offer what you are longing for. You have been diligent about sharing your needs and making clear requests, and you don't know what else to do. In this situation, panic and desperation can turn into making demands.

A demand is defined by a willingness to attempt to meet your needs at the expense of someone else's needs. This usually entails using some form of force to get the result you want. In the worst case scenario, physical use of force occurs; shoving, hitting, slamming doors, holding someone down, blocking a doorway, following someone around the house when they are trying to leave, etc.

In everyday life, demands take on subtle forms that don't always get identified as such. In fact, sometimes they masquerade as attempts to "help." Possibly the most pernicious form of masquerading demands are attempts to "help" through analysis of what's wrong with the other person. You may have had this experience. Your partner begins pointing out, in a subtle way with sophisticated vocabulary and jargon, how you are failing, what's wrong with you, or why your own experience isn’t valid. Typically this is hard to catch, as some bits of truth—like specific observations—are often present. You likely walk away from such an interaction feeling depleted and disoriented with thoughts of self-doubt.

Another common form of demanding is attempting to convince someone of your point of view. Underlying this behavior is the idea that you are right and they are wrong, and if only they could see it your way then your needs would be met. Convincing can take many forms: yelling, logical arguments, criticism, gathering evidence for your case, etc.

Regardless of what form they take, demands prevent you from being present with the truth that something is fundamentally not working for you about your relationship. Sadly, as you avoid this truth, the likelihood that you can work through it lessens.

True requests of your partner are an expression of your willingness to hear "no" and stay connected to your needs, while respecting your partner’s autonomy. Such honesty with yourself and your partner may point to the end of the relationship. This requires the courage to feel grief and end the relationship if necessary.

In addition, true requests are about a specific doable behavior at a specific time to nourish a particular need. Asking your partner to shift their view is not a request, but rather a strategy (often unconscious), that you hope will meet needs for you.  

The best way to prevent making demands is to find a willingness to grieve. In the instant before an angry feeling and a demand arise, there is grief. After grief, there is fear; perhaps fear of grief.

You can gain confidence with grief by looking for small moments of disappointment in your day. For example, maybe you are hoping for an email response from someone and when you open your inbox, it isn't there. Just pause for one full breath, saying to yourself, "Oh, I feel sad about not seeing the email." Then put your attention on the feelings of sadness, no matter how small. You might be surprised how quickly they dissolve with your mindful attention. Without the proliferation of associated thoughts, grief has its own natural lifespan, arising and falling away. Rather than demanding that life (your partner) shape itself according to your wishes, grief teaches you to trust in the natural flow of change, and to open to wisdom.

Practice

This week look for a moment in which you would like someone else to have the same view as you. Pause, scan your heart and body for sadness that they don't share your view. Say to yourself, "It's okay to feel this sadness."