Responding to Unwanted Feedback from Peers

You have likely been in a situation in which you are with a group of peers and someone in the group offers feedback about what you're doing more often than you enjoy. When someone offers feedback without asking if you want it, your needs for consideration, being seen, and respect might come up. If someone offers unwanted feedback once and awhile, you often can nod and move the conversation along. But when it happens several times in a given situation or more than once every time you come together, you may realize that if you don’t set a boundary, you will become resentful of this person and possibly say something you regret. 

It's often the case that you've seen others attempt to set a boundary with this person and yet they continue to receive unwanted feedback anyway. You surmise from this that subtle, nonverbal boundary-setting will not be enough. You feel anxious because you want to maintain harmony and care for the other person and, at the same time, you are committed to honesty about what works for you and what doesn't. 

In addition, you believe that while the habit of giving advice may be a strategy to bolster their sense of security, this person does genuinely want to contribute. Despite your irritation, you still care about this person and the impact of your behavior on them. You sense a certain tenderheartedness in them that you want to be gentle with.

Depending on the context of your relationship and the rapport you have, you could consider several strategies. 

Avoidance

Avoidance is usually the first unconscious strategy anyone will engage when they experience mildly unmet needs from another's behavior. You likely have tried to simply avoid this person to avoid their feedback. This probably works some of the time. Unfortunately, the person giving the unwanted feedback probably remains clueless as to why others are avoiding them. And sooner or later you will wind up in contact with this person anyway.

Avoidance is a temporary strategy that allows you to consider strategies that will be more effective.

Humor

Humor, like avoidance, is another indirect way to set a boundary. It is considered indirect because the other person doesn't always know whether you are playing or serious. Depending on your situation, you might be able to find several humorous ways of pointing out the unwanted feedback and sending a message that you don't want it. 

Empathy

If you truly do believe that the other person wants to contribute to you, you can offer empathy and then ask for what you want. This might sound something like, “Thanks, I see that you want to help. What will be most helpful for me is…” If you don’t have a request for help, just offering empathy and setting a boundary by saying something simple like, “Ah, yeah, I can tell you care about me. Thank you. I’ve got this.” For relationships in which you have a lot of trust and rapport, a simple acknowledgment of the other person’s caring is often enough to shift the conversation.

Consistent gentleness

If you don't mind the long game, then you can choose a way to respond that is gentle and commit to doing that same thing every time. For example, you might say calmly, “Thanks, I'm not looking for that right now,” and then turn your body away, walk away, or turn your attention to someone else. The words “right now” soften the interaction, but are also less than honest if you are imagining there isn't ever a time when you want their feedback. But if you are someone who has some pretty deep habits around avoiding conflict, this gives you a place to start.

You can move toward more honesty by shifting to say something like, “Thanks, I'm not looking for feedback,” and then turning your body away. 

Whichever you choose, it will be essential to be consistent. This means that each and every time this person begins to give feedback, you immediately engage your phrase and turn away.  If at random times, you decide to “try to be nice” and hear them out, your words will become diluted and your consistent and gentle boundary will be ignored in the future. 

Progressive firmness

You can begin as in the previous example with gentle boundary words and body language. Then, each time the behavior occurs again your gentleness becomes more firm. Here are some examples of setting a firmer boundary.

1. Interrupt sooner when they began giving feedback.

2. Step closer as you set the boundary.

3. Make clear eye contact as you set the verbal boundary.

4. Begin to raise the volume of your voice.

5. Turn away immediately as you set the verbal boundary.

6. Say their name at the beginning of setting the verbal boundary.

7. Raise or lower the volume of your voice, according to  what you think might be most effective at sending a clear message. 

Talking outside of the situation

If you have significant rapport with this person, you can find a quiet moment outside of the situation to let them know that you do not want their feedback. This will mean getting very specific. For example, “I don't want feedback while we are doing the activity together, and I'm also not wanting feedback right after the activity. If you have feedback that you think will really benefit me, you can ask me outside of the situation if I would like to receive it.” 

A longer version might sound something like this: 

“Hey there, Bill. I want to let you know something about me. I'm someone who really learns by doing, and I like to focus on the doing itself and then reflect later, on my own, about how I could improve. So, when you're trying to offer me verbal feedback during our group time, it's not working for me. That's not something that's helpful to me while I'm in the midst of an activity. If you're wanting to give me feedback outside of our group time, it really helps if you ask me if I'm ready for it first. This gives me a sense of trust and respect for my choice. If you want to give me feedback outside of our group time, would you be willing to ask me first? During our group time, would you be willing to notice your impulse to give me feedback and keep it on the inside?”

Regardless of how specific you are, this person's habit energy may still override your boundary. Thus, it's helpful to set up a signal system to address this when it happens. It might sound something like this, “I know you might forget. I'd like to have a way to remind you in the moment. What would work for you? 

In the end, it’s helpful to remember that if someone genuinely wants to contribute, it’s a gift to them to let them know what is a contribution and what isn’t for you. An effective long term practice in any relationship is to let others know when they are contributing to you, that is, offer appreciation.

Practice

Take a moment now to reflect on a situation in your life in which you are receiving unwanted feedback. When of the strategies above might be helpful in setting boundaries.