Considerations for Dating

You’ve started dating someone and it's going pretty well. You're hopeful that this might be a relationship that works long-term. You have had some painful past relationships, and you really want it to be different this time. There are a few things to consider that can help lay a foundation for a healthy relationship, or help you discern when it’s time to break off a relationship. Let’s look at the following key topics: 

1. Core values

2. Reactivity

3. Previous relationships

4. Housework

5. Attraction to others

6. Boundaries

Core values

Understanding someone’s central values may seem like an easy thing to do. Unfortunately, what someone says they value and how they actually live are not always congruent. For example, your date might talk in detail about their spiritual values or philosophy for life, yet you don't see them put their energy and time into cultivating and manifesting what they say they value. Central values are most obviously expressed through how someone spends their time and what they rely on to make decisions. Watching someone go through a decision process is a useful way to understand what they value or whether they are able to make decisions from their values rather than from a desire for approval, fear of conflict, craving, or other form of reactivity.

A student recently shared a story of going on a first date with someone in which the other person spent most of the time talking about how they were remodeling their bathroom. The excitement and time spent talking about the bathroom showed my student where this person puts their attention. It also revealed this person’s inability to track mutual sharing in a given conversation. Having no interest in remodeling, and valuing mutuality, my student didn’t go for a second date.

Reactivity

An essential aspect of being a responsible adult in a relationship is self-awareness about reactivity. Everyone has reactive patterns to contend with. Quieter reactive patterns, such as being passive, shutting down, and people-pleasing, can be more difficult to notice but can cause just as much difficulty. People who have awareness and responsibility around reactivity say things like this:

• “This kind of situation is challenging for me, so I know that I need to …”

• “I get reactive when I see … I haven’t yet found a way to work with that reactivity.”

• “I won’t be able to be very present for you when we meet my brother. Our relationship is tough for me right now.”

• “I have a hair trigger around respect. So you will hear me checking in about it at times.”

• “Predictability is big for me, so it would be very helpful if you could text me whenever you anticipate being late.”

Someone who lacks awareness and responsibility around reactivity uses more blame language. You hear them finding fault with others and using phrases like, “They make me mad.” You also hear them describe a challenging situation more in terms of what the other person said or did and less in terms of their own experience and behavior. When someone isn't responsible for their own reactivity, you might notice that you have trouble figuring out what actually happened in a given story because their language is filled with interpretations and judgements. 

In sum, responsibility for reactivity means being able to identify tender needs, use effective coping strategies, recognize what reactivity feels and looks like, and consider the impact on others.

Previous relationships

At some point in the dating process, each of you will likely share about your experiences of previous relationships. This can give you a lot of information about someone's awareness and responsibility for reactivity. When someone shares about a previous relationship and can only share about what the other person did wrong and believes that's why the relationship didn't work, this is a red flag. 

Someone who is dedicated to self-responsibility and awareness examines their own role in what didn’t work in a relationship, and eventually is able to articulate how they contributed to difficulty. As they reveal the process of transformation that they have gone through, they also often have compassion for their previous partners. 

Housework

It's easy to dismiss everyday life as mundane and something simple that you will work out eventually. However, in 20 years of working with couples, housework has consistently been one of the top three areas of conflict that I see couples bring to counseling and classes. Of course, deeper issues are always playing into everyday life, and a conflict about doing the dishes is not just about doing the dishes. At the same time, it's important to decide which challenges you want to face in relationship. If you take deep comfort in a very orderly and clean house and your partner doesn't even notice the house and dismisses house cleaning as a distraction from their important work, you may have a long road ahead of you. 

Attraction to others

There are many wonderful people on the planet, and it is inevitable that both of you will find yourself attracted to someone outside of the relationship. It's critical to make agreements about this at the beginning of your relationship. If you both want a monogamous relationship, it's essential to make an agreement about how and when you share if you feel attracted to someone else. Ideally you can articulate how you set boundaries when you feel an attraction to someone else. If you are in a non-monogamous relationship, clear agreements are needed to navigate this realm. These agreements will likely need to be revisited over time 

Boundaries

When you think about boundaries in intimate relationships, your mind naturally goes to the boundaries you set with your partner and the boundaries they set with you. However, the boundaries your partner sets with other people in their life will also affect you. If your partner is not able to set a boundary around work, for example, then you may find yourself facing broken agreements again and again.

The ability to maintain boundaries is equally important to the what and the how of them. If your dating partner can't articulate how they handle boundaries, this is a yellow flag. Of course, they may not use the word “boundaries,” so it's useful to look around for other ways to talk about boundaries. You might share and ask things like:

• “How do you handle hearing no to a request?”

• “How do you say no to requests?” 

• “How do you decide what you say yes to?”

• “What do you do when someone is pressuring you?”

• “What do you think you have choices about and what do you think you don’t have a choice about?”

• “How were choice and autonomy encouraged—or not—in your family of origin?”

• “How does your family of origin respond when you say no to an invitation?” 

• “What are your non-negotiable boundaries?”

• “What do you share and not share with close friends, coworkers, community members, etc.?” 

Working with these considerations is not about finding a perfect person. Rather, it is to help you clarify what sorts of challenges the two of you will face together and whether or not you are willing to put time and energy into those particular kinds of challenges. 

Practice

Take a moment now to reflect on these topics. What is true for you regarding each? Is there one that you would like to be more clear about for yourself?

1. Core values

2. Reactivity

3. Previous relationships

4. Housework

5. Attraction to others

6. Boundaries