Connection Gems

The Connection Gem of the week applies Mindful Compassionate Dialogue to situations in daily life and offers clarity and practical skills. You can find an archive of Connection Gems using the list or search engine below.

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Elia Lowe-Chardé Elia Lowe-Chardé

Create Choiceful Listening

In almost any situation, honoring someone’s choice supports more connection. Autonomy is one of the most important human needs. Thus, checking in with someone’s choice to listen or not sets the stage for being heard more fully. On the other hand, when someone has the perception that you are talking to them without considering their choice, resentful listening might be the result.

A little mindfulness check-in about choice before starting a conversation can go a long way. A check-in can sound as simple as, "Can I tell you something?" With this one little question, you can meet needs for consideration, choice, and participation. 

Here are some ways to ask for listening and offer respect for autonomy:

  • Is this a good time to tell you something about what happened at work today?

  • I have something to share about an interaction with our kids this morning and I am looking for empathy. Do you have energy for that right now?

  • I have a celebration. Do you want to hear it?

  • I am wanting to tell you about ______. Are you interested in hearing?

  • I notice I am needing empathy. Are you in a place for that?

As you come up with ways to ask for listening you may find that you get an automatic yes from certain people. Sometimes people are so surprised at being asked they don't really believe it's a choice. You can support someone in making an authentic choice by asking a follow up question. Here are some examples of what that might sound like:

  • Are you sure? I can wait until later.

  • Would you prefer to talk later?

  • Are you needing some quiet?

  • Are you really focused on what you are doing?

  • Does that topic seem like too much right now?

Offering options like these shows more explicitly that you are considering the other person's needs when you make a request to be heard.

Practice

This week practice checking in with someone before you start a conversation. Practice a variety of ways to honor their choice to listen or not. When someone does consciously choose to listen, notice if there is a difference in the quality of connection and your sense of being heard.

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