Apologies that Repair Connection

"Now say you're sorry!" the teacher demands.

"Sorry!" the student says in a huff and walks away.

I'm guessing you have had an experience like this at one time or another. Apologies are often associated with shaming and no real connection or healing.

Still, you like to hear people say they are sorry. Why? My guess is you want to know that the other person cares about you and therefore cares about the impact their behavior has on you.

An apology in the framework of Mindful Compassionate Dialogue (MCD) is much more than the words, "I'm sorry." It means offering empathy, connecting with the experience of the other, engaging in honest expression, and taking responsibility by proposing a new way forward. Let’s look at a dialogue to see how these things might play out.

Ariadne: “I'm feeling frustrated and angry hearing you didn't do the shopping for the trip.”

Jaden: (Internal jackal show): “Oh man, here we go. They are going to make a big deal of this.”

Jaden: (Getting defensive and trying to mollify the situation): “It's no big deal. I can go tonight. I will have plenty of time. It won't take long.”

Ariadne: “I'm still frustrated.”

Jaden: (Self-Empathy): Internally Jaden notices the tension rise and feels defensive. Jaden identifies needs for harmony and ease are not being met. At the same time, Jaden can see that Ariadne’s needs weren't met and that they need empathy.

Jaden: (Empathy): “Are you feeling frustrated because you need trust?”

Ariadne: “Yes, this isn't the first time you haven't done what you said you were going to do when we were planning a trip.”

Jaden: (Internal dialogue): “Ariadne's judging me! Grrrr! They should trust me! They don’t appreciate the work I do.”

Jaden: (Internal Self-Empathy): Jaden says internally, “Okay I'm reacting. It's painful because acceptance and respect are so important to me in this relationship. I want connection here. I know I am committed to our work together. After connecting with myself I’ll have space to offer empathy.”

Jaden: (Offers empathy): “I'm guessing that predictability in the work we do in this organization is really important to you?”

Ariadne: “Yes. I feel angry and resentful. I notice I am having this thought that you're flaky.”

Jaden: (Internal Self-Empathy): Jaden says internally, “I notice the word “flaky” triggers me. I feel hurt rise up through my chest. I feel anger and want to lash out. I know I can't give empathy from this state.”

Jaden: (Offers honest expression): “I feel hurt hearing the word “flaky.” That's really triggering for me because I'm needing understanding. Could you say your feelings and needs instead of judgments?”

Ariadne: “No. I need to express what's going on for me.”

Jaden: (Calls for a pause): “Let me take a few minutes to process what you are saying.”

Jaden: (Internal Self-Empathy): Jaden says internally, “I need to take about 10 minutes in silence and connect with my feelings of disappointment and hurt and my needs for understanding and acceptance. I see that we could veer onto another thread of discussion if I follow up on my request. I realize that it's important to go back to the original event rather than get caught in an argument about expressing judgments or not expressing them. I want to take time to get clear on what happened in my decision not to do the shopping that afternoon, and what feelings and needs were up for me then and are up for me now regarding that decision.

Jaden: (Offers honest expression): “When I think about my decisions today. I observe that I made a conscious choice to spend more time with my sister and not do the shopping. When I think about her being absent from my life for seven years, I feel grateful to have time with her. It's so important to me to care for her and nourish the connection we have. When I think about your need for trust not being met along with my own need for integrity around doing what I say I am going to do, I feel regret and disappointment.

I am committed to attending to needs for integrity, trust, and mutuality around our work projects together by double checking my schedule before I tell you when I will do something and by checking in with you if I want to make a change.

What comes up for you hearing that?”

This dialogue will likely take a few more exchanges of empathy and honest expression to reach connection and clarity.

Regardless of the twists and turns of an interaction, it is important to stay focused on the initial trigger event and stay with these essential elements:

Observation: Identify the action that failed to meet needs in clear and neutral terms.

Self-Empathy: If you're reacting with anger, guilt, or defensiveness around noticing that your actions didn’t meet the needs of someone else, it's important to ask for a pause so that you can go inside and identify reactivity and honor your own feelings and needs before attempting honest expression or empathy.

Empathy: Guess the feelings and needs of the other person. Clarify exactly what they are reacting to, that is what action didn't meet their needs (observation).

Honest Expression: State in observational terms what you did, express your feelings and needs that were not met for you by your action.                                                                                                              

Request/Action: State what you are committed to doing differently in a similar future situation so that needs for both you are met.

Practice

Take a moment now to reflect on the last time you apologized to someone. How would this have sounded following the guidelines above?