Emergency Interventions for Escalating Arguments

Once the swirl of an argument starts, it’s difficult to find your way back to connection. You might feel angry and scared and want to protect needs for understanding, respect, and consideration. Habit energy can be like a runaway semi truck going downhill. The brakes burn out, and you find yourself sliding into defending, shutting down, attacking, or blaming.

There are some emergency interventions that can help slow down escalation and return you to connection. Take a look at the list of possibilities below, and identify what would be the most accessible for you in a challenging interaction.

Ask questions that help identify needs (either aloud or silently to yourself):

• "What's most important to you (or me) right now?"

• "There is something here we really care about. What is it?"

• "What am I (or are you) afraid of losing?"

• "What is the part you really want me to understand?"

• "What am I trying to get to here?"

Create space

• "Give me a minute to process what you said."

• "Hang on, let me go to the bathroom and come back."

• "You said (repeat what the other just said)."

• "I’m going to take a 20-minute timeout and come back."

Name feelings or body sensations

• “I feel reactive.”

• "I feel disconnected."

• "I'm feeling frustrated."

• "I'm nervous right now."

• "I feel defensive."

• "I’m panicked."

• "My heart is racing."

• "I'm going fuzzy."

Name what's happening

• "I notice I just blamed you."

• "I'm defending myself."

• "I'm thinking that you are judging me."

• "I'm repeating myself."

• "My voice is getting louder."

• "I'm talking more quickly."

• "I'm moving away from you."

Use pattern interrupts

• "How about a glass of water?"

• Howl like a jackal, make a goofy face, etc.

• Name something you are grateful for.

• Take the conversation to another room or go for a walk together.

• Plan a sign or keyword, such as closing your eyes or putting your hand on your heart, with the other person to signal that you need to pause.

The key to any intervention is to apply it when you notice the slightest hint of reactivity. There is no need to decide who is reactive, simply engage the intervention immediately. As you create the habit of interrupting reactivity early, you will become ever more clear about the cost of letting it escalate and the reward of interrupting it early.

Practice

This week, notice when you move from disconnect to connection within yourself or with others. Write down what you did to make that shift. Create your own list of interventions.