It is a painful place to be in when you can’t stop analyzing something and it just takes you in circles. Perhaps you did something you regret, or an interaction with another didn’t go as you hoped it would, or perhaps you have a big decision to make. You find yourself reviewing it in your mind over and over again, trying to find some understanding or relief, which most often doesn’t come. When you are stuck in that place, you might feel frustration or even hopelessness, confusion about what else you can do, while noticing all too painfully that the analyzing is not getting you anywhere you want to go.

Rest assured that you are not the only one. Most of us have been taught to think our way through life's challenges. We’ve been trained to trust our skills in analysis and problem-solving rather than connecting with what's alive in our heart. How often in all your years of formal schooling were you asked what feelings and needs were up for you?

Unfortunately, as you may have gathered, mental activity such as analyzing keeps us tied to our judgments and preconceptions and tends to increase, or at least keep us in, our reactivity. And as neuroscience tells us, reactivity can physically limit our access to empathy and creativity, among other higher brain functions.

Heart connection, on the other hand, opens new doors. It enables self-connection and connection with others, expands our perspective and allows us to become curious and access our creativity, discovering new solutions to old problems. In other words, connecting to our heart can get us unstuck. 

You may be wondering: “and how do I go about doing that?”

Mindful Compassionate Dialogue offers  a clear and simple path forward. 

The most direct line to heart connection is to connect with what's alive in the moment.

This means observing your inner experience without analysis or judgment. You can start by simply naming parts of your experience and releasing tension as you do. Identifying feelings and universal needs alive in you and others is an effective way to immediately create more connection. 

Of course becoming aware that you are tormenting yourself by over analyzing is the first step. There are key questions that almost always lead to analysis. You can be on the lookout for these and pause and take a breath when you notice them. When in analysis mode, you might be asking questions like:

"How could this happen, where did I go wrong?"

"Why did they/I do that?"

"Whose fault is it?"

On the other hand, questions that lead to connection include: 

"What am I feeling right now?"

"What needs are alive for me?"

"What happened or what did I tell myself that stimulated these needs?"

"What do I want to do to meet these needs?"

"What needs might have been alive for them when they did that?"

No analysis is necessary with these questions.

You might want to use a feelings and needs list to help you get clarity about your inner experience or get curious about others’ inner experience. Remember that any inner experience is welcome. Strong feelings simply indicate that important needs are up. Once you identify a few needs that are alive in you in a given situation, you could invite yourself to “sit with” them, contemplating the importance of each need in your life and ways you enjoy meeting it.

If you notice intensity in your inner experience, allow yourself time and space for self-empathy or receiving empathy before imagining others’ needs in the situation. 

Once you have a sense of relief and clarity on all parties’ needs, you will be able to take action to honor and meet all needs present. Let’s look at a brief example.

A friend shared that the other night she was caught in analyzing whether to send her daughter to school the next day, after being home for 8 days while recovering from a cold. Thoughts went round and round; “Would she get worse again if exposed to the cold?” “Would the school send her home if she had a coughing fit?” “Would the teacher judge her if she sent or didn’t send her to school?” These thoughts were triggering tension and her voice was becoming sharp, as her daughter was quick to point out! With that cue, she was able to pause and check inside. She noticed feelings of stress and a longing for clarity, reassurance, health and acceptance. Just naming her feelings and needs provided tangible physical relief. In the next moment, a new strategy appeared: she would simply keep her daughter home if coughing woke them both up that night. She was then able to set the matter aside for the night and get some well-needed rest.

Neuroscience* has shown that the mere naming of feelings can help decrease their intensity and reconnect our brain to its higher functions, including the capacity for empathy. Adding universal needs to the picture can provide additional relief and connection.

This path doesn't require the hard work of analysis, but rather the courage and intention to bring your awareness to your heart again and again. By engaging in this practice a little each day, you will start to trust your heart more than your head. Eventually you will realize that your heart gives you continuous feedback about how to live fully alive!

Analysis and problem-solving are habits of mind. Habitual thought is a powerful thing. And it takes a strong intention and plenty of reminders to interrupt habits when they are not helpful. The good news is that the world is abundant with resources about how to cultivate mindfulness and presence in daily life so that you can choose how to engage in heart, mind, and body. Find a practice that you are drawn to and make a commitment to stick with it for at least a month. 

Practice

Just for today, set an hourly alarm on your watch, cell phone or computer. Each time you hear it, stop for a moment and notice the content and flavor of your thoughts. Then ask: "Are these thoughts helpful?"

If the thoughts are stimulating tension, pause and let yourself focus on something pleasant in your environment for a full long inhale and exhale. Then choose how you would like to direct your attention.

*Read more about Neuroscience and empathy in Sarah Peyton’s book, Your Resonant Self