If you have ever been in or are currently experiencing depression, you may sense that on top of affecting your view and experience of life in general, it has an impact on your relationships. When under that dark cloud of depression, you may be struggling to take care of yourself and to get through the day; so taking care of others or of your relationships may seem just about impossible.  

Depression can diminish your level of awareness, mental clarity and connection to your five senses. A student told me recently that once while in the throes of despair, she began driving through an intersection while a pedestrian was crossing right in front of her. She was so consumed by despair that she hadn't actually seen them. 

From that state of mind, it can be difficult to notice the impact of your choices on your relationships. Depression inhibits your capacity to engage with and be responsive to others. You might not attend to needs for mutual care and consideration. In the long run, these choices may deprive you of the very support and accompaniment you need when experiencing depression.  

Two simple things can help you regain connection and get the support you need. Don’t wait until you’ve been diagnosed with clinical depression. These steps are helpful at any end of the scale, including if you’re just feeling a bit down.

1. Contribution and service

One of the most important human needs is meaning, or purpose. Contributing freely to others naturally helps us feel good about ourselves. It gives you a sense of mattering and participating in something greater. Find some way to contribute to others and be of service. 

2. Share your experience  

Sharing your process with others is an important way to keep loved ones close, even as depression would have you withdraw. Also, talking about how you are feeling, what you are noticing, and what you are doing to take care of yourself keeps you from becoming completely entranced by the depressive state. As long as you are reporting to others in a detailed way, a bigger witnessing part of you stays self-connected and aware, keeping a door open to connection.

If you have family, friends, or practice buddies who can listen to your reports without reacting in fear or trying to fix things, then these conversations can be of tremendous support. These are the people that can help you hold the truth that you are not a "depressed person," but rather someone currently facing this particular challenge. 

In addition, hearing your process and what you are doing to help yourself can meet a need for relief and reassurance in others. They get to see that you are facing the challenge rather than slipping away from them into the trance of depression, which can be very scary for them.

3. Ask for support

Asking for support from others while you face depression can look a lot of ways, of course. Here are a few simple requests that can be effective:

• Exercise Dates: ask a friend to make at least a weekly date with you to do some form of exercise. Regular exercise can help ease depression by releasing feel-good endorphins, and making a “date” can help motivate you as well as ensure you maintain connection with others who care about you.

• Depression Voice Reality Checks: If you are mindful of the voice of depression, you know that once it gets rolling, it tells you all sorts of things about who you are, and what you should or shouldn't feel, need, or experience. Ask to check in with a friend about what the depression voice is saying and what the bigger “you” and your friend know to be true. Bringing an internal reactive voice out into the light of a loving relationship can help reveal truth.

• Nourishment Reminders:  The people who know you well have seen what in your life brings you a sense of nourishment and aliveness. Ask them to remind you about these things and check in with you about whether you are including them or not.

• Empathy Dates: Ask for help from a friend or practice buddy in guessing the feelings and needs that are up for you regarding what's going on in your life. Take equal time to offer empathy for your friend or buddy. Both giving and receiving empathy are important ways to stay connected and gain a more expansive perspective.

Contributing, letting those close to you know what's happening for you and asking for support are ways of taking responsibility for the challenge you are facing. This can help you regain a sense of agency and choice over your life and experience.

Practice

Whether you are currently facing the challenges of depression or not, the bulleted requests stated above are useful to have in place at any time in life to help us maintain inner balance and connection. Take a moment to review them now. Which do you already have in place? Which request would you be willing to follow up on this week?