Someone you care about is hurting over an argument the two of you had. You work hard to say all the right things, only to hear them respond with, "That doesn't help!"  

What happened? How could you have said everything in the right way and still be told you are not connecting?  It's easy to turn and blame the other person at this point, but before you do, let's look at something else that might be happening.

In MCD, words are often a starting place for beginners. The feelings-and-needs-based vocabulary and sentence structure are like a handrail that you hold onto as you find your way on a new path. The handrail is offered in hopes that it will lead you to your heart and to the hearts of others. Sometimes it does, and sometimes it doesn't because finding your heart in times of stress can be difficult.

Any kind of emotional rupture requires an emotional response to reconnect. When you are working hard to find the ‘right words’ to create connection, you might be in a mental space. Regardless of the words, you might be attempting to meet an emotional problem with a mental solution. When this kind of miss happens, you might hear the other person say things like: "You're so cold.", "You don't really care!", "You are just saying things you don't really mean.", "I don't know who you are right now.", "Can't you get out of your head!"

The other person might be trying to express something like this: "I want to feel you with me in a feeling place, because from there I know we can reconnect. Please take the time you need to find what's in your heart and share that with me." The goal of repair is not to rescue, but to reestablish connection. If you choose to hear and receive this expression, there are some simple things you can do to drop from your head to your heart.  

Let's look at a few:

• Take a slow deep breath and close your eyes, releasing tense muscles as you do.

• Remind yourself that no amount of thinking will help you find a heart connection.

• Ground yourself with the reassurance that you are not under threat, and that both you and the other person want to reconnect despite the difficult reactions you have both had.

• Take another slow deep breath, this time breathing through your heart.

• Invite feelings into your awareness. You might say something like:  "It's okay to feel what I feel."

• Continue focusing on breathing through your heart and let your mind be still.

• As feelings and sensations come into your awareness, express them aloud.

When you direct your attention in this way, and express from this feeling place, the people in your life will receive your presence and intention to connect. If you both are committed to being present for difficult feelings as well as pleasing ones, you will find that reconnecting can be simple and doesn't require a stream of complicated words.

Understanding the concepts and doing the steps I name above might be somewhat easy. What is usually more difficult is trusting your heart to guide you. Deciding to trust your heart in the moment takes courage and effort. And, as you do this more and more, you open a path to your heart.

Practice

This week, watch for moments when someone is approaching you with an emotional problem and you are offering a mental solution. When you catch yourself, start to shift by simply taking one breath through your heart. Feel free to walk through the bullets listed above if you need extra support when dropping from your head to your heart.