Each MCD Relationship Competency identifies 6 Skills, along with specific practices for learning each. For more context about MCD Relationship Competency 1: Appreciation, see Skill 1: Express the definition and purpose of appreciation, Skill 2: Express what’s working, Skill 3: Empathy for appreciation, Skill 4: Express three types of appreciation, and Skill 5: Name the differences between appreciation and what’s often confused with appreciation.

Skill 6: Offer appreciation five times as often as you express unmet needs or complaints

Turning your attention towards what’s working and expressing appreciation is a simple and concrete way to build resilience in any relationship. Because the human brain gives more weight to instances of pain or disappointment associated with unmet needs, we require five times as much awareness of met needs and the associated feelings just to stay balanced.

PRACTICE:

Here are some ways to strengthen the habit of offering appreciation five times more often than you express unmet needs or complaints.

• A simple thank you that is offered with intention and presence can be just as powerful as expressing appreciation with observations, feelings, and needs. In what relationships or situations, could you bring more intention and presence to the “thank you’s” you already offer?

• Make a commitment to write down ten things you are grateful for every morning before breakfast or every night before bed.

• Choose a regular meal or meeting and collaborate with others to create a ritual or opening or closing the time together with expressions of appreciation or gratitude.

• Appreciate yourself. With someone you trust, share what you appreciate about yourself. This might include needs you have met for yourself, something you did that you are proud of, or a quality that you embody. You might also keep a self-appreciation journal.

You can also engage in cultivation of this skill as a creative and expansive exercise. Choose a particular person with whom you frequently feel appreciation. Answer the following questions?

1. What needs are most often met by this person?

2. How many different ways could you offer appreciation? 

1. Verbal

2. Written

3. An act of service

4. A gift

5. Affection

3. What type of appreciation could this person most easily receive?