As you move forward making agreements around reactivity, it’s important to understand the difference between making a threat and setting a boundary. Two key distinctions involve intention and honest expression. Let's look at these distinctions with an example from a couple, Gustav and Inez.

Last night Gustav got drunk and communicated in some ways that didn't meet Inez's needs for respect and caring. Inez could find no way to connect with Gustav in his drunken state. The next day, she decided that if this happens again, she will take care of herself by leaving the house and spending the night with her sister. She expressed this decision to Gustav. Hearing this, Gustav accused her of threatening him.

Gustav might think Inez is threatening him because he assumes her intention is to hurt or punish him. This is because he recognizes that Inez has made a decision to behave a certain way based on his actions. A behavior dependent response is commonly associated with intent to punish, but also occurs without any intent to punish. For example, if Gustav began visiting his brother on Friday nights, Inez might say something like, "If you are going to visit your brother on Friday, I am going to go out with Susan." This has the same element of behavior dependent response, but would not likely be heard as punishment or a threat.

Gustav might also hear a threat because Inez arrived at her plan to leave the house and spend the night elsewhere on her own and not in collaboration with Gustav. Not hearing Inez’s honest expression, it is easier for Gustav to interpret her decision as the punishment of being shut out.

So how can Gustav and Inez avoid this merry-go-round of misunderstanding and pain?

Gustav can take responsibility for his interpretations by offering the honest expression of stating them aloud and asking for clarity:

“When I hear your decision to stay at your sister’s the next time I drink, I imagine you are trying to punish me, I need clarity. Is this your intention with this decision?”

This opens the opportunity for Inez to clarify with honest expression:

"Gustav, last night when you were drunk and talking to me in the way you did, I was feeling scared and hurt.  I needed safety and respect.  So I am wanting to take care of myself better the next time you are as intoxicated as you were last night.  Leaving and spending the night at my sister's is a strategy for self-care.”

With this clarity about intention, feelings, needs, and actions, a collaborative dialogue might open up about how they can repair what happened and care for the needs for safety and respect in their relationship.

However, in some cases, negotiations have been made again and again around a particular need-costing behavior and there has been no change. At this point, one partner may simply reach a tolerance limit. That is, if Inez and Gustav have worked out various ways to handle this situation but despite their efforts it has ended in pain for them both, Inez may set a boundary by making a unilateral decision to take care of herself by leaving the house or through another strategy. This kind of decision making can meet needs for structure and clarity in the relationship and provide a clear message about what is not workable in the relationship.

As you sort out the distinctions between making a threat and setting a life-serving boundary ask yourself the following questions:

• What needs am I trying to meet or protect with the life-serving boundary I am setting?

• Does any part of me have the intention to punish or get even with the other person? If yes, can I engage in self-empathy for this part or ask for empathy from someone else?

• Is needs-based negotiation with the other person possible? What do I need to have a sense of safety and predictability if I engage in such negotiation?
  

Practice

Where in your relationships do you tolerate something you would rather not give your energy to? Where in your relationships would you like to work on a change but have not yet expressed your observations, feelings, needs, and requests? Take a moment now to answer each of these questions for yourself and identify your feelings and needs in the situations you named.