You don't want to process every little emotional hurt or moment of disconnect with your partner, yet you don't want unconscious resentment to grow either. How do you know when to let it go and when to talk about it? You might find that you and your partner have a bias in one direction or another—that is, one of you usually wants to talk about it and the other usually wants to let it go. It's common for couples to become polarized about this issue, each person pushing for their preference.

A willingness to experiment with new approaches to relating is a key ingredient that keeps relationships alive, flexible, and creative. Choosing to talk about it and choosing to let it go are both valid choices. A couple that is willing to experiment can discern what is most helpful in a given situation rather than arbitrarily taking a stand about their preference.

Here are some possible experiments that can help you discern wisely about whether to talk about it or let it go. Any of these practices could be taken on with specific parameters (do it for a day, do it next time, do it in a particular context, or do it for particular topics):

• Benefit of the doubt: Each time you interpret your partner's behavior in a way that triggers you, ask yourself what else could be true. What other, less triggering reason might they have had for behaving in a particular way. Basically, you bring to mind your partner's good intentions and caring for you, and you see a transgression as an exception in the larger context of your relationship (assuming this is true).

• Offer what your partner prefers: Decide to offer the approach to conflict that your partner prefers. That is, if you prefer to let it go, offer to talk about it. If you prefer to talk about it, offer to let it go.

• Do both: Offer to let it go until you can find a quiet uninterrupted time together. Or, allow the conversation to happen a little at a time over a period of days.

If you reflect on them carefully, these experiments will contribute to wise discernment. Here are some possible reflection questions:  

• What kinds of things are you able to let go of with no residue?  

• Are there particular things that get worse when you talk about them or let them go? What happens internally or externally that adds to escalation?  

• When you chose to let it go, did your perspective expand over time?  

• What happened when you chose to talk about it, what helped and what didn't help?

Talking about it or letting it go in a way that contributes to connection requires mindfulness and skill. When you choose to talk about it, it is essential that you can question your own interpretations, have curiosity about your partner's experience, and look for a new way forward that works for both of you. In choosing to let it go, it's essential that you can find a sense of security in yourself, give your partner the benefit of the doubt, and find your way back to connection.

With a willingness to experiment and reflect on your experiences, both talking about it and letting it go can become choices you trust. You can become responsive to what's needed in the moment and trust that your choices support connection.

Practice

Take a moment now to identify what you most habitually do—talk about it or let it go. Just for the next time, choose to respond in a new way.